Well.  That was the first time I saw him since I decided that the reason he stopped inviting me to do stuff, or when I invite him to do stuff he's busy, whereas before he would rearrange his schedule, is because I've stopped providing sex.  Because we broke up.  It wasn't a long relationship, but its the freshest wound i have, and its not the first time that I have experienced a significant amount of pain around a breakup of a short relationship with someone with whom i was not "in love".  The thing that hurts SO much in each of these cases, is that it confirms my beliefs that my value is my sexuality, and that when sex is withdrawn from the equation, spending time with me is no longer of value to this other person.  Maybe I ought to choose another perspective on this.  perhaps I am "choosing" to believe this is the scenario, and I can rewrite the story to support another conclusion....but i don't believe it.

I DO believe in my agency, responsibility and empowerment, and yet, I keep falling into this trap!  I take full responsibility for my choices in this event, including ignoring the milestones recommended by authors of dating books as to how long to wait before having sex with a man.  It seemed safe.  He seemed different.  I felt ready.  but NOW i feel totally different.  He's just like the others.  It just hurts.

It doesn't help that these are the messages i'm bombarded with by my culture:  "YOUR APPEARANCE AND SEXUALITY CARRY ALL YOUR VALUE AND YOU WILL NEVER BE WORTH ANYTHING WITHOUT A MAN TO VALIDATE YOUR EXISTENCE"

I don't blame men.  Men are just as much victim to these toxic ideas as women are, and not ALL of them are perpetrators.

Its a scientific fact that repetition is effective -- this is why advertisers do it.  and the repetition of this message is hurting me, and i'm not alone.  it hurts all women, and it hurts the men who want to have relationships with them.  This repetition is further reinforced by my experience, or my interpretation of the experience--is that a result of my existing internalization of cultural status quo?

There's nothing I can do.  I tried talking with him about it.  He denies it.  but believe what they do, not what they say.  I guess if i've learned anything from this, it's that.